People who Fart on Caltrain

This dude bro sat next to me on the train. He reeked  like vinegar and cottage cheese.  Once he fell asleep, he began farting some foulness.

It amazes me that people can smell so bad in public. It seems like Basic Hygiene Skills need to be posted all over our public meeting spaces and on our various Public  Transportation Choices.

When did it become ok to wear $100 shirts and smell like a stank ass pot roast at 730am? Seriously, I have been privilege to this.


Once, I watched a jerkface eat corn on the cob at 8am, slurping and spewing  those sweet juicy kernels all over himself and the train seat. He chased it down with a roast beef sandwhich with onions. All at 8am. It smelled bad, but at least I could tell what it was.

By the time he was drifting off into his blissful snore, he had mayo on his chin and yellow corn all over his shirt.

I would love if the new Clipper Ticket System for Caltrain was enabled with a "TFS" sensor.  The conductor would first scan the handheld device over your ticket and then conduct a quick hovering over the ticket holder. The TFS sensor would sound an ear piercing alarm if a inhumane stench was detected.

"Sorry, my TFS sensor indicates that you are "Too Fucking Stinky". You will have to be cited, removed from the train and hosed down with a lemon bleach solution."

We live in Silicon Valley, this device could be a reality.

I would also love to see a  seat redesign  on the Trains Planes and Buses taken by the public. With this redesign a gas monitor is embedded into the seat of the chair or bench. Once an offensive odor has been detected, a device would open above and spray a blue perfumed dye onto the offender. The dye would take a week to decay and the perfume a month.  In addition to the dye,  an announcement would sound.

"Caltrain has determined that a fart has been expelled. The Authorities have been notified and are en route."

It would be a system that would require you to register as "AIWFOPT" (An Individual Who Farts on Public Transportation). Upon conviction you would be banned from using public Transportation until you fulfill 400 hours of Porta Potty Cleaning at music festivals and Phish shows.

Seriously people get a grip. We have to sit next to you.